yep

The world is so weird. This is going to be pretty stream of concsiousness, as I am listening to ben folds and just feel this fancy dark chocolate melting rapidly in my mouth as i try to quickly spread the remaining bits over all surfaces of my mouth in a futile yet ever- valiant effort to enhance the sensory experience. I mean, double you tee eff? Im sitting on a comfy twin bed in stuytown with my partialy unpacked stuff surrounding me, including a down blanket i snatched from the carlyle pile of discarded dorm stuff. Im sitting here shirtless, probably with peanut butter on my chin and perhaps my nose. I had the strangest day. Actually, it was so UNstrange, I think that's what about it got to me. I couldn't deal with the normalcy of it, since I've worked my entire life (since I was 11 and became aware of myself) to create this alternative image of myself, and stray from normalcy that when I actually fight those natural E.-urges, stuff goes awry in my heart and my kidneys, and I end up... drinking? Nope, that didn't pan out. I feel really emotional right now, and I'm not sure why. I think it's because although I feel like my socializing today was totally ftw, (for the win) (i.e. good, way to be Elana, way to socialize with the real adults and still maintain your individuality) but I also know that none of it meant anything and that it never really does/ will.

Fact: Drunk people embody transience. No matter how turned on I might get hanging around the hockey guys, flirting aimlessly and shamelessly back and forth, forth and back, none of it means anything (when does flirting mean something? I should ask Duncan, who concentrated in Meaning. see last post. He owns my respect though.) I mean I'm all about fucking the notion of a boundary and doing whatever, but since I think too / so much about it, I inevitably and undeniably impose meaning and importance to all of the actions I do, and that are done to me. I can't just let something happen, in the split second before, during, and after every tiny decision I make, everywhere I look, everything I say, every facial expression I put out, I consider so mouch. I consider what other people would think: all of the people in my life that I have ever known, and all of the people I might know in the future, myself in different mindsets, etc. Should I/did I do this was it good or bad or stupid, I dont need to spell out the defining characteristics of hyper self-awareness here.

There was a mini mini scrimmage. With some people later on. It was really fun, it was what I needed. I tossed twice for short amounts of time in between the hockey and the socializing, and I needed those also. We lost our game, but that feels like ages ago. I can't do games, I choke, I choke up, and I flub, or I don't perform, and then I feel shitty about it. I get so hyped and worked up inside in my heart that when it's my turn to play I am jittery as a beanbag and can't do much. I was ok today, I blocked some shots with my stick and legs nicely, and held hark marks on D a bit. but none of that is enough. It means something to me in my head, but I need to finish I need to score and get on that paper. Thats why games suck...they promote said mindset and outlook.

What is my point? what am i getting at. maybe i feel successful that i socialized with adults. why dont i feel like an adult? why cant i just do what everyone else does and not freak out about it and overthink it so much? see llook now im not writing in caps this must be emotive. I am worthwhile and I know it, and I want so much to prove it to others, but in unconventional ways, and i think the truth is that most of the world doesnt give. Who has the time or energy or trust, especiallly trust and interest to be receptive to such a strange breed? Why can't I just dumb down and be like everyone else? I'm typing pretty fast here, this rocks. maybe i should get a job as a transcriber, or a transponster, like chandler bing. Phew. Sore shoulders, egging holders, and I have a boy after me. Not really. Now I can't even write about it. Sometimes a part of me just wants to focus all my efforts on facilitating compliments for myself so I can feel that tiny bit of "Yess!" ness when someone gives you a compliment before I start to deconstruct their motives and fabricated/ produce other reasons why they don't mean it, or why if they do mean it, I shouldn't take it with more than a grain of kosher salt.

oh eff em ell, oh woe is me, oh oh.

birthday

So It will be my 21st birthday, and it's hard to know what, if anything, that means. I should ask my Gallatin pal who just finished his colloquium in "Meaning." Meanwhile, another Gallatin grad of this year is planning to go on a bike trip all around the usa with a friend for the summer... 3 months, bike trip. propane, couch surfing, camping, grime, etc. What's it mean? I should go spend some time in the jungle with the hulu tribe. Oh wait...

I'ts kinda weird to see the way physical maladies evolve. Like pimples. Just saying.