I need to not quash/squelch/quell the thoughts that are in my head. That I have. That I think. That I own. That exist, that creep. I am pretty sure they just do said things because my mind has a penchant for extremes and attempts at self-freaking out, but here it is. If Shalom Auslander can write in his world-renown published satirical orthodox yeshiva hating memoir about the initial thoughts of fear and terror for his unborn recently- concieved child, then I can write about thoughts along a similar (non heroin- infested, I might add uselessly) vein that I have tried not to entertain as of late.
When I held the babies, a thought came: I can poke out one of their tiny little, unfocused, of androgynous color, eyes. I can toss/drop/throw/huck them onto the floor. It's like when I drive over that curvy overpass on route 4: a slight turn of my wrists, or a negligence in turning at the right moment to remain on course, and drastic things with irreversible consequences, pregnant with grief, ensue. And it's all in my hands. Along with the great undifferentiated potential personalities, tribulations, and proud moments of these children lies the power in me to deter that, to fuck with it in a really really twisted and subtle way, or I could take the demonic route that would lead to as much havoc as me refusing to go to college and moving to a forest; and practice my javelin toss. Of course I need to write this in a veiled manner, even after setting off on a quest to be super lucid, because it's my fallback, and my default when I know that this is not FYEO. Sucks.
So the neuroses are there, ripe for the diagnosing. where are the willing, eager young world- changers?
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Shalom Auslander is a severely damaged individual who is also severely self-righteous. He is also what every non-practicing Orthodox Jew( for that is what I believe we are) should fear becoming; wearing an Acher necklace around our necks, taking out issues we have our with our particular parents and lives on God, and confusing the two, and above all, living life as a violation of something deeply ingrained into our consciousness', as opposed to an affirmation of our own truth as individual's. Yet, despite that, the parrallels I find in myself with him are disquieting. If only there were some kind of support group or community for NPOJ's but then I suppose we'd fall into the same trap we sought to escape.
ReplyDeleteDid you just out my religious deviance?
ReplyDeleteCan we talk about this though, for real? I want to. I mean, my hot pink acher necklace is already giving me a mysterious itchy rash...
Parallels yes. send me an email if you dare, please.