I've been struggling a bit the last few days. Upsurges of emotion have swelled and peaked from seemingly miniscule catalysts, leaving me tossed and akimbo. There have been a few of these, and I found my responses to be even clearer than in the past. The qualities of these swells are fairly familiar and definitive by now. The sense of overarching foreboding, the irrelevance of time. Concepts like relativity, perspective, and reason are remote. My recent polyvagal orientation had me orient immediately towards reaching for co-regulation opportunities with people. Thank you to those of you who met me and showed/continue to show me love and stability. Being shown attuned love and steadfast presence is something I did not get as a kid and am working on internalizing the idea that it is possible.
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The one hitchhiking attempt I've made thus far has yielded pride and humility. Phil from Tonga gave me a ride that took 15 minutes and would have taken 2 hours on buses.
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Tempering assertiveness and practicing extending vocal interjections, rescinding hasty demands. The default for this body and persona is to defer, allow, assuage, quell, soften, assist, morph. Be malleable. Fill in, smooth.
Thank you Eitan for reminding me to give it a chance. I will give it a chance.
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