Mood Ingredients

I'm really not sure what's going on. But the little switch inside of me that is seldom approached seems to have the most frightening potential. I have a couple of these switches. There's the fear one, and then there's the hypochondriac one. That one does not need to roll in its grave of dormancy when I act the way I normally do; pshaw at any possible disease or injury. But every once in a while... Maybe it's because I read the internet and the modern day black plague has befallen us stinky new yorkers. Who knows. But I did ride two 5 express trains this evening crammed in so hard that both the subway pole AND my hockey stick were covered in eager, haphazardly placed hands, hands who belong to those dimwits rushing around during rush hour, clutching the phallus(took me 3 tries to spell that correctly) of mundanity.

Hockey scrimmage: why did I go? I shouldn't have. thought it would draw me out, but instead, I know too much. Last year it was an exciting free for all, I had no skill but my willingness to hustle, and it was me playing for myself, not know anybody else there, just being constantly humbled by their skills. Now it is different. Now I know who my competition is, who's mean and who's nice, who I can play hard on and who I best keep my distance from. Granted, all of the above are constructs I created over the past 10 months, but what isn't?

TBNYU/morals/ activism: I am a voyeur. I care about some stuff, but feel that brandishing your care for something in a public sphincter is nothing but cringe-worthy. Sorry, but it's in me.

I made a pretty bad decision last night. I really fucked up. Maybe it was what I needed though, to finally tip the scales. I'm afraid that it wasn't though, and will remain a bad decision made in vain.